I am who I am

Because of many reasons…

Nine years ago I lost faith in people because I watched my dad’s best friend outsmart him, disintegrate my family and strip us clean. My dad whom I was closest to had to venture out to a foreign country to pull us out of the pit. His departure tore me apart. I needed him and he wasn’t there. When he returned I hated him. He was almost a stranger and I wanted to blame him for everything that went wrong.

A few years later I realized that it wasn’t his fault and learnt to love him because he was good man, a bit stupid though and that his biggest mistake in life was that he trusted everybody. A quality that seemed inherent in me (according to analysis by myself and family members) I am just like my father. Too good hearted to be successful.  So fearing imminent doom I set about tearing my personality to pieces and in place built a shield so no one would ever be able to hurt me.

I learnt to mistrust people.

Four years ago I lost a bunch of friends because I thought I had an attitude problem but really it was all because of a boy. A boy whom I liked a lot. I decided to trust him. He decided to use me. He with a few of my then close friends turned against me. I worked on my personality once more.

Mistrust coupled with anger played a vital role. For a while.

Two and half years ago I yelled at a friend/colleague at work. I’ve regretted that moment ever since but I learnt a valuable lesson about my temper. That yelling nearly cost me my job and a friend. I worked on my personality; I erased anger off my list. I’m not an angry person anymore. I do get irritated, a little pissed off but I haven’t yelled at anybody in the past 2 years and I’m happy about that. I cry instead. At least that won’t hurt anybody even if it means embarrassment or shows that I not as strong as I project myself to be. It’s better this way.

A couple of months back the friend who hurt me said that he likes me. I’ve forgiven him for whatever he did, for however much he hurt me but I couldn’t go out with him. I didn’t love him. Probably because I still mistrust people. Probably because we’re not compatible. Probably for many other reasons. But what I said to him was hurtful, completely uncalled for and I know I haven’t been the nicest of people. So I apologized with many tears because I want to be a good person not the bitchy, egoistic maniac that I am. I cried because I realized that I still haven’t removed hatred from my heart. I haven’t learnt to trust people. I haven’t learnt to love people.

I prayed about it and I know that if I work extra hard I could and would become a better person. It’s going to take time and assistance from my friends and family.

So I am who I am.

I’m willing to change for the better.

I’m extremely proud of my family and love them unconditionally.

And friends, I think I have the greatest and coolest bunch ever.

Theme change

Feeling very light and breezy…must be because I’ve been spending my nights in Negambo…soaking up the sunshine and breathing the salty air…nice to be back there after two years…but memories engulf me at times…

DJ put a record on

Ever since I walked into a club as a wee toddler (14 to be precise) I’ve been fascinated with DJ’s. The ones who spin discs on vinyl at every rave and teenybopper party have kept me literally on my toes and most often in my throbbing heart. I always want to be the center of attention at every party so the best way to earn respect and fame is to become a DJ. 

I thought. 

Now I know they were immature rantings. At one point I decided to try out as a Radio Personality but somehow the interview didn’t get very far but I’m glad my dreams weren’t meant to be because I would have been unhappy as a horse with braided hair.  

I’m enrolled in a programme that is sponsored by my company so on our latest course content we had to visit a radio station. I was all happy; maybe someone would give me a chance, a chance of fame and glory. I like to point out that I don’t think I have a nice voice, I’ve done recordings for commercials and I think I sound somewhere between a duck in pain and a hamster in cardiac arrest. People actually tease me about my voice, specially a Senior Art Director who sits in front of me. Anyway moving on… realizing that I don’t have the voice to be a Radio Personality or the opportunity, I happily looked forward to the visit.

So was it interesting you ask? It was dull as ditchwater. The Jocks do nothing a part from scratch their balls so if you’re a woman er!! Just joking. Actually they don’t do even that, they sit in front of a mic and look at a computer monitor that has a gazillion coloured blinking stuff, which you’ve got to click from time to time. Then the Jocks try to be funny while they go on air, they say some smart ass thing while only they understand because most often it’s a ‘private joke’. What the fricks? So I ask the guy who was taking us around whether they get to choose the songs. If they are lucky they might but it’s only the night time DJ’s who get that privilege that’s because everyone’s asleep, me thinks. So it’s bloody boring, unless of course you’re Ryan Seacrest and you live in the States…tut tut

The week moves on…

14th August

I’m drowning with work,
with life, with emotion
with unexpressed creativity.

15th August

I took ages to decide what to wear in the morning, after casting away 5 outfits that my poor mum had to iron I decided to wear something completely different. This is a sure sign I’m stressed.

That aside thought I’d jot down some of the events that took place in the past few weeks:

Noir – ­ Went during the first weekend because had a friend acting in it. Didn’t particularly like the first 3 plays, that’s probably because I don’t particularly like Shel Silverstein. His plays have abrupt endings and sometimes he takes on very swearing note. On that precise thought I might as well add that I hated the Devil and Billy Markham. Back to Noir second run I loved the last piece the Lifeboat is sinking. It was extremely hilarious.

Congregation party – ­ Thought I wasn’t going to enjoy it but I did maybe a wee bit up until the part where Voluptuous out of fright gave me bear hug. Well more like a deathly squeeze considering his size and mine. B Man was unusualy quiet then again I didn’t make an attempt to talk to him, I just wasn’t my old jolly self that night. One thing that’s bugging me though is why did Drummer Boy seem weird?

Fashion Design Workshop – ­ I’ve always wanted to Fashion Designer, like I’ve always wanted to be an Artist, like I’ve always wanted to be a Photographer and so much more. Anyway decided to attend this workshop, it was good. I had fun. It’s a curse that it cost so much to learn to be a Fashion Designer. I realized that at this moment I can’t afford it so maybe someday in my life. I want to be very pompous and say that I do think that I have a good sense of fashion, I can take a nice picture and I can draw to a certain extent. Yes Ashan I know “Please come down to earth” right?

Well that’s it from me…in the coming weeks I’m looking forward to the Convention and the Foundation Camp.

Connection across the room

I know Noir happened a while ago but I didn’t have the time or the inclination to blog about it. Now I have the time but not the inclination to blog about it so I’m not going to do so. This is a post about the evening
after watching Noir.

I went out for dinner with Specko who will not be called Specko anymore because he unceremoniously pointed out that he detests been called that. Also because I want to be nice (since I’ve not been very nice to him) I’ve decided to call him B Man, like from the Bee movie (bad movie, don’t watch it if you haven’t already). Anyway, B Man and I went for dinner and at dinner I had to tell him that the relationship or the lack of it was not healthy and we must put an end to it. Like squashing a bug. (Evil Laugh). While this conversation with B Man was taking place I spotted a good-looking fella a couple of feet away from us who kept turning to look at me. He was with a couple of guy friends. I was immediately distracted and I kept
wondering why he kept looking meanwhile poor B Man was desperately trying to keep me focused. He even asked me whether I wanted to switch seats so that the fella won’t keep looking. But I insisted on staying where I was, of course I liked the attention but that guy had some nerve. I mean I was with a guy, did he sense something was wrong between the two of us? Did he assume it was a break-up?  We obviously didn’t look like a couple and neither did we look like we were getting to know each other, so I guess he knew that
something was not right. Anyway after a while he exchanged seats with his friend so he could get a better look at me. I kept ignoring him then much later when he was leaving he smiled and waved before he left. I just had a shocked expression on my face. He really did have some nerve!

I don’t think B Man was at all pleased with the whole thing but what to do. I’m not exactly a flirt and I’ve always given my undivided attention to the men I’ve been out with but I don’t know why I did it in the presence of B Man. Oh well that’s probably why I’m not with him.

Bitchy, bitchy!

Ya I know!

I believe he exists

“You’re looking for the perfect man and you won’t find him”  said my mother

“No not perfect, near perfect” quipped the daughter.

As a frivolous 16-year-old, I was confident that I would find the right man. What I didn’t realize is that at 16 you look for a MAN!. Things like compatibility, attraction, career, sense of humour and long-term benefits don’t cross your mind.  5 years later as an ambitious wisecrack I realize that I not only need a man but also someone who fits my description of the near perfect guy. As every year slowly passes along my chase keeps getting harder, my heart is giving up hope and my insides are getting desperate. But I will not fall into this desperate status. I will trudge hoping he’d come along.  If not, well then I’ll try to become a successful single old aunt (I’m glad my brother is married and on his way producing nieces and nephews)

Am I expecting too much of this poor man who might come along? According to my well-meaning mother I am but according to the average intelligent daughter I think not. Let me state my criteria of the near perfect man.

I thrive on witty banter and intelligent conversation. The need to constantly try and come up with something smart keeps the conversations from getting stale. Plus who doesn’t love a good laugh. Heated arguments on controversial topics have an extreme effect on me. They flush my cheeks, make me take a defensive stance and I’ll probably attack either verbally or physically.  Its great fun and I love those moments and if the guy is really good it only makes everything so much more interesting.

Height plays a tall role in my relationships. I can’t and will not marry a man shorter than me. I want to feel safe in his arms and protected and somehow short men don’t seem to have that sense of security.

I don’t want him to be just out of school or irresponsible. He needs to have a sensible day job. He doesn’t have to be extremely successful but I need to know that he’s stable and won’t decide to quit his job after we’re married with 4 kids. So being responsible is a must.

He should find doing stuff ‘out of the blue’ fun. Spontaneous and carefree are words I would use to describe my near perfect man. A relaxed easygoing manner like mine always puts everyone at ease.

He doesn’t have to be good looking although good-looking is a plus. I need to find him attractive. I’ve always found guys with a mop of thick longish hair and a great ‘flash’ smile attractive. A sense of mystery takes attractiveness to another level (wink).

I like a man who could teach me a thing or two, things I don’t already know. For instance I got into the whole rock band mentality/jazz and a number of other things because my ex rock band boyfriend introduced me to a world that I would have otherwise not known. Then my love for cricket all began when Gypsy Boy made me fall in love with the game simply because he used to play for a team. Basically variety is a must. The more cards you pull out of the bag the more you’re gonna get from me.

Men with a good dress sense never fail to impress me. If they have an opinion about art, interior design and anything creative then I’ve got my hands on them. I actually like men who are creative like duh and the best ones I feel are the ones who are not in any creative field, they are rare finds but not impossible to find.

This is the last one. I love a man who can dance. I love to dance and I would be quite disappointed if my man didn’t. Besides you know what they say about men who are great dancers don’t you?

So am I asking for too much?