Bitterness

You look at me with troubled eyes,
hoping I would ask you why.

The truth is I don’t want to know,
about the twisted lies, sleepless nights and rows.

I’ve told you what I think,
deep honest answers that makes you flinch.

While you smoke and blink away the tears,
(and I passive smoke, just because I like to, dear)
I sometimes hope it will burn out your fears.

A piece of advice,
honest and completely uncivilized.
Don’t try to be me, N or the guy with the goatee.
We all have our battles and we’re definitely not free.

Not lucky, not good,
not beautiful but maybe a little unique.
So are you, which you don’t want to believe.

We don’t have magical solutions,
escape routes or places to hide.
Learn to state your turf and learn to fight.

Suicide is for cowards, I’ve told you twice,
Thrice if necessary, but don’t start to cry.

Someday, maybe someday soon
all the clichés,
the turning of the tide,
the rainbow after the rain,
the cloud with the sliver lining
will come true and you will laugh at your own surprise.

NOTE: It wasn’t an attempt at poetry, most of it just rhymed so I went with the flow but it sure was an attempt at venting.

Confusion!!

Back in the day, when I was a spiritely 18-year-old I was convinced that my life was as confusing as a computer programming language. I was positive that with age, like wine, things would only get better. This retort obviously didn’t get the much-needed attention I wanted but instead I was politely told that life only gets confusing, as you grow older. This most unexpected remark was uttered by a 26-year-old debonair who used to intimidate the very hair that seems to amuse him now. I scoffed, yes my brazenness and a bit of intimidation getting the better of me, only to be regretted years later.

Now at 22, I can’t help but feel that life is far worse than it was at 18, but we live and learn and things get easier to handle, that’s true for me, and it should be true for everybody else. But I’m sadly mistaken; it’s not, apparently.

N at 30 feels awfully devastated at the latest turn of events. Work pressures and other issues are just driving her to a point of no return and I feel helpless. It’s worse because she is an only child. It’s worse because no one’s pushing her. It doesn’t help that she can’t talk openly with her parents. It’s scary that she thinks everyone’s malicious. So back to a chat with the equally challenging debonair turned chum, lifesaver, partner in all things evil and confidante. He stressed over and over again that it must be tough being 30 and a woman. That I find now all too believable. So what do I do in a situation like this, advice her about the finer points of working smarter (no way), rely on God to help (can’t really count on him) or just simply listen and support her in whatever she wants to do (that’s the way to go). I’ve been thinking this through, really there isn’t much any of us could do, it’s an inner battle, one only she can fight. Age doesn’t help, it makes things worse, with growing grey hair comes a lack of self confidence (not true in every case) and oh you must, absolutely must have a support system. I know who makes me laugh, who gives me the best advice, who pushes me beyond the push-able limit, who will hold me when I cry and you get the drift. While typing that I must say I really do have the most wonderful support system, no wonder I pull through every time I go into one of my many phases.

With that I wrap up this rambling post. Damn I worry when menopause hits.

A friend in need…

I helped a friend. I always help friends and people who need help, but this was different. I helped a friend who was suicidal. I’ve heard numerous stories about people who suffer from depression and to prevent them from suicidal inclinations, they are fed on anti depressants. I’ve never met such a person so I didn’t know exactly how to deal with this situation.

My friend is 25 years old, she had to deal with a lot of issues while growing up and she’s always been the kind of person who wasn’t happy with her life. She gives up hope pretty easily, sometimes puts too much enthusiasm and energy into one particular thing and when that goes wrong, she’s quick to jump to the conclusion that her life is worthless. That’s what happened this time round. She quit her job to finish her degree and after two years her parents said that they couldn’t afford to fund her final year.

She cries uncontrollably while relating the story, I listen patiently. She tells me how insane her life is, how her parents can’t be bothered (which is not true). Then she tells me that it’s better to die than live like this…that was the moment for me to snap. I tell her that suicide is for cowards. I’m surprised at my words, but that jolted her out of her stupid trance. She stopped crying. I seized the opportunity. I basically told her off, how stupid she was to devote her life towards one goal when there’s so much more to give and get out of life. I tell her that she needs to seek new opportunities, take risks, and live life. She’s stunned and silent for a while, I don’t blame her she expected a few words of sympathy not criticism.

After my tirade, she realized that she could make her life better and her hopeless situation didn’t seem so hopeless anymore. Later during the day she messaged me to let me know that she apologized to her parents and she thanked me for being there as a friend.

It felt good… a good shaking was all she needed.