Losing sleep, hair and my mind

Enough said!

A grumble from the past…

Do I know you?

Oh wait, I think I remember…

weren’t you the one who tore up my prized posters,

barked at the guy I fancied, turned my friends against me and nearly messed up my job?

How could I forget?

The time I ran away. The sting after the slap. The look on their faces.

Now you’re back, to pay me a visit, how kind of you!

Since it has been a while your name has slipped my mind.

Oh Anger, yes that’s right!

You’ve brought friends? What a surprise!

Nice to meet you Frustration and Self-Pity, how long do you’ll plan to stay?

Bitterness

You look at me with troubled eyes,
hoping I would ask you why.

The truth is I don’t want to know,
about the twisted lies, sleepless nights and rows.

I’ve told you what I think,
deep honest answers that makes you flinch.

While you smoke and blink away the tears,
(and I passive smoke, just because I like to, dear)
I sometimes hope it will burn out your fears.

A piece of advice,
honest and completely uncivilized.
Don’t try to be me, N or the guy with the goatee.
We all have our battles and we’re definitely not free.

Not lucky, not good,
not beautiful but maybe a little unique.
So are you, which you don’t want to believe.

We don’t have magical solutions,
escape routes or places to hide.
Learn to state your turf and learn to fight.

Suicide is for cowards, I’ve told you twice,
Thrice if necessary, but don’t start to cry.

Someday, maybe someday soon
all the clichés,
the turning of the tide,
the rainbow after the rain,
the cloud with the sliver lining
will come true and you will laugh at your own surprise.

NOTE: It wasn’t an attempt at poetry, most of it just rhymed so I went with the flow but it sure was an attempt at venting.

Blurtings…

Men tend to irritate the hairs that cover my head, and that my friend happens to be a million angry curly bastards.

Psycho Girl annoys me till I feel the heat burn on my ear. Oh shit maybe it’s the radiation emanating from my phone.

Clients who want to release their artwork at 10 in the bloody night frustrate me so much that I want to crack their craniums. All 142 of them!

Ah the family has its own set of troubles, which I feel rather worrisome about.

So no wonder I’m an explosive packed bunch of neuroses, waiting, as G would say to release an explosive outburst.

I’ve also been sleep deprived.

Warning: Run in the opposite direction if you see a red eyed, fizzed haired, demented creature in PINK!

Under the weather

Cloudy

That’s pretty much how the weather is at work. N says goodbye to us in 3 months and I thought I would be able to deal with the fact that very soon she won’t be my Art Director, but things are proving to be tough. It’s a mixed bag of emotions and I keep thinking it’s like all other goodbyes, but this isn’t just any goodbye. We’ve become more than just friends, she’s like family and not seeing her everyday is going to make my life particularly difficult here. But I guess I can face it as long as Pokey is around, he’s still my punching bag and counselor.

Drizzle

The past few weeks a friend of mine has being bugging me about her pretty messed up life and sometimes the psychoticness gets to me. I have my issues to deal with, you have yours and there’s a limit to the idiotism, so I wish she would stop with the drama. If she doesn’t I’ll just have to start on my soap opera!

Fog

Life is cruel and we all agree on that one, but getting thrown into the deep end without knowing how to swim is just plain scary. But I guess then the attitude should be to swim instead of sink and automatically your arms and legs would start to relax and clear the water. I’ve been in this situation many times before and even though most often I feel scared, I tend to float and sometimes swim. But when it happens to someone close to me, parts of it seem to affect me in different ways. It’s stressful, because you’re just there and the power to grab onto a lifebuoy is in someone else’s hands. If it was in mine then I’d deal with it better, just waiting for the other person to reach out is terribly difficult.

Downpour

The assembly. Sometimes I love it; most times I hate it because it makes me think. This time I was happy to see Akki but sad at the same time because of her story. I keep hoping I wouldn’t make a mess of my life, so far I haven’t, so hopefully I won’t in the future.

While I was there amongst people I’ve grown up with, I see the joy in their faces, the ones who really made religion their own and I sometimes wish I was like them. I really did for a moment consider joining up on the program to help out with the volunteer work but because of the guilt, I held back.

Hurricane

There’s a storm a brewing with the mum, the brother and the sister in law, all competing for the baby’s attention. I’m disappointed with my brother. I really am. I don’t even want to write about this, because the feeling is still raw and it’s gnawing in my mind.

So as you can see the weather hasn’t been favourable towards me but what else is left than to brave the storm.

A 100 hugs

Once every now and then I want to hurl my cherished jar of marbles at the mirror in front of me, to hear the crash of glass, the marbles hitting the floor and bouncing with such ferocity.

These pent up emotions…sometimes its sadness, like I’ve lost something dear.  Sometimes anger, because of my stupid fear.

The past couple of days I’ve been in a tepid state, trying to find reasons for my misery. I’ve also being reminiscing and it seems that I have lost myself along the way. The journey, remember? I’d have my tuck shop stops and you’d have yours. They were never the same but at least we knew we were heading in the same direction. That was what made it comfortable and secure, our childhood game.

Now everything’s blurry, like the time you opened the bottle of pepper, sneezed and then the whole thing got into my eyes.

I still think of that night you left me, at the hospital. You told me to live my life, in a tone you always used when you told me something of utmost importance, the tone I’ve come to respect over the years. I hated you for saying that, the command, for making me venture into a world that I’ve never known. I hated you for weeks after that, mostly because you refused to talk to me. But with time things healed and it wasn’t so unbearable. Then life was a different chapter, a chapter I enjoyed for a few years. You were happy because I was happy and I was happy because you were. We are two odd creatures looking out for each other in a strange mangled sort of way.

Then came the time you left me, again, with a frightened embrace, a quick kiss and a few empty words. It wasn’t a proper goodbye because you lied. I was bitter for a while because it was the first time you lied to me. Then I began to realize that it was hard for you and tough because I wasn’t making it any easier. As always you were ever ready to forgive, tell me that you’ll always be there and then suddenly life went back to being normal. I’d miss you, you’d miss me but we’d both reminisce and wait for an opportunity when you’d be back here again.

Now things are slightly different, you’ve graduated, you’re moving to a place where I always wanted to live, Missy Independent, you used to call me. A dream that once was mine has become your reality. It hurts, because things are not the same. It hurts, because I’m envious. It hurts, because we are apart, two twenty-odd-year-old’s separated by distance with a lifetime of memories.

I know you’re not coming back, I hear it in your voice every time you speak to me. I’m learning to deal with that and hopefully someday I’ll join you and live out my independent dreams but for the moment I choose to battle my inner demons amidst familiar territory.

Until we meet again Gypsy Boy, a 100 hugs.

I’m an aunt

To a beautiful baby boy!!! He’s such a treat, I can’t wait to cuddle him and kiss his cute little button nose and look into those dreamy brown eyes…

He proposed

In these desperate times of need I wish with my whole soul, heart and mind that Fuzz was here, not somewhere in that cold, dank and weary side street in Central London. It’s been sometime since Fuzz and I had a chat, a chat about our insecurities, gossip, men, love and the frivolous antics of our other buddies who live in different parts of the world.

This time the conversation stemmed on one scene, her proposal. Excitement in the air, fingers gripping the phone, I dance around my room in exhilaration. The news, such happy news. I’m a girl after all and marriage is a cause for great rejoicing and an excuse to bounce on my bed.

“He proposed, on one knee and all”. Fuzz without leaving any room for breathing.

“Oh how boring!!”. Didn’t mean to say that but the words tumbled out, dampening the excitement like the cold harsh weather of the bitter monsoon. Fuzz being Fuzz decided that the statement deserved an explanation, especially since it was such a mood killer.

So I begin my tirade of how I find the whole going down on one’s knee such a cliché. It’s hardly creative, isn’t love supposed to be full of surprises?

“I guess, maybe something like honey, meet my new girlfriend! Now that’s a surprise, isn’t it? “ Fuzz really had to comment on that one.

I continue while trying to ward off her giggles. I mean come off it, be serious. How exciting is it if he goes down on one knee and proposes to you at a restaurant? You can see that coming from a mile away, if you can’t, your myopic. It’s different though if he made a complete fool of himself and proposed in some crowed mall. But most of all I’d prefer a scavenger hunt. I think that’s an awesome way to propose.

“What about finding the ring in the Champagne or other alcoholic substance?”  quips Fuzz.

Urgh! I’d hate that, if I were nervous I’d gulp my substance, choke because of the damn ring and be dead before saying yes. Sounds romantic eh?

Fuzz grew silent at that, I could almost hear her heart beating. She is in an awfully contemplative mood and I kick myself for being a killjoy. I apologize but she laughs and tells me that she thinks a scavenger hunt is a good idea…

“ A good idea for what?” I scream.

Apparently it’s a good way of accepting the proposal. Oh goodness gracious me, she didn’t say yes because she wanted to build suspense and accept in the most creative way….  She’s such a tease! And I love her and wish her the best for her future with this man who’s sitting there bursting many a blood vessel.

…

My mind with its twists and turns,
change directions at the slightest burn.

Why do I always fall into a mess?
Why am I always hanging onto a thread?

Wishes turning into nightmares,
emotions as fickle as my hair.

I guess it’s time to put an end,
to a primal mating dance,
one that I can’t quite comprehend.

Another goal achieved

So we won. Not one but two of those awards that we’ve all so desperately wanted. What’s especially exciting is that I won one too, something that I wanted badly and now I’ve achieved it. Wow a sense of achievement is running through my veins.

Now to call my family and tell them the good news. They’d be so proud of me, a little of the limelight shall fall on me, today…