No strings attached

Fashion and its fashionistas are funny things, watching high street fashion is like watching a sordid comedy series. The most recent revelation disgusted my brain cells so much that I thought some form of written disapproval was necessary.

What’s this newfound item of annoyance? It’s none other than the C – string. Well it’s like a G- string, only it hasn’t got any strings, instead it’s got a wire that promptly fits into the crack between your bum cheeks (apologies for being crass but how else would you explain such a monstrosity?)

I’m perplexed by this invention, as much as I was perplexed with the G-string. When I first heard about the G-string from giggly teenage girls, I was curious like most 14-year-olds forced to wear training bras. Then one day I caught sight of it in a yuppie mall, my surprise gave way to a yelp like someone had physically kicked me in the stomach. Yes I was that surprised! I took one out and dangled it in front of my mother, I knew a barrage of angry words would come flowing from her but she uttered “Disgraceful!’ and smacked my hand so hard that I let it fall back into the disgusting heap. I chuckled because I was happy, at least she wouldn’t force me to wear that, couldn’t win the battle with the bra though.

A good number of years went by until I couldn’t hold onto that firm resolution because see I had to wear skirts like all proper women and as all women know, visible panty lines are goday, totally gross, so yes G-strings were the way forward. Few wedgies later, I decided that I wasn’t going to put myself under so much stress, because trying to get rid of a wedgie in a car or a roomful of men is worse than visible panty lines. So I went underwear shopping and found cute boxer shorts or hot pants (whatever you wish to call them) and found that life was indeed comfortable.

On that note I’m NOT going to end my post, instead on a high note I’m going to continue my tirade about the disturbing G-string. Most women don’t wear them to hide panty lines. I know this because most women who do wear jeans. Now what’s there to hide when you wear a pair of jeans? I’m not talking about the obvious but yes if the obvious was hiding matter then a bunch of strings won’t do. So here’s what I think, G- strings have become a fashion statement became some strange woman decided to bend in front of a hot Adonis. That’s what these women do, sexily strut their strings wherever possible. Can’t blame the men who watch, it’s actually quite a show. The other interesting fact I’m amused with is the amount of women who claim that it makes them feel good, it’s like they ooze some sort of sexiness just by knowing that they’re wearing these sexy lingerie. All fine and good but why not choose a sexy French cut knicker then? It’s evident that the only reason why a woman would wear a G-string is to tease and please the male mind. So we choose to be swathed in a bunch of strings, uncomfortable as a man seated on a bicycle bar just for our sexual esteem. Oh dear, I feel like echoing my mother’s wise sentiments “DISGRACEFUL!!!”. Sorry, that must have been a bit loud.

I’m done with the G-string, I don’t want to talk about the C- string or the sanitary pad as I call it. It’s just putrid!!!

If you haven’t already seen a C- string, Google images. It’s far too disgusting to showcase on my blog!

My friend evaluates me…

Cup of tea in hand. Legs perched upon a vacant chair. Pen ready to jot down any and every thought. 

My colleague Bundy is ready to have chat. I tell him that we should strictly stick to conversations about milk (the brand that we were brainstorming on). He decides otherwise and I’m drawn into the abyss of gossip and Bundy’s profound opinions on different matters. 

The first topic of discussion was infidelity. We strike common ground. We both hate people who cheat. He prattles on with a true story about his married friend who was cheating, then one day when cheating friend was recounting this story to another friend over a couple of alcoholic shots (remember: alcohol never helps when you’re cheating) his phone had mistakenly (duh obviously) dialled home. So basically his wife heard everything. Bundy sums up the story with a firm “when you cheat, you’re spouse finds out in a really horrible way”. I solemnly agree. 

Then Bundy decides to change the subject and scrutinize me, while I sit still in front of him and half-heartedly nod my head in agreement. He point blankly tells me that I have bad taste in men.

What balls!

Well I’ve dated good-looking guys but yet he feels that I don’t know what real handsomeness is all about. I strongly disagree and make sure that he knows that. Quickly he changes the topic to my ‘outer beauty’. This I wanted to hear so I propped my hands on the table and smiled encouragingly at him. He starts off saying how pretty I look now compared to what I looked like almost 3 1/2 years ago, I apparently have gotten more sophisticated in my dress and grooming and moved away from sloppy looking outfits. I smile as I remember that time, seems like a million years ago. Then suddenly he retorts saying “but you know, you should act like a real woman”. My jaw drops and I go “huh?” (remember: compliment then follow it up with an insult, works wonders) He explains telling me that I should walk into a room with confidence and charisma so that every man will cast their eyes on me and only ME. Also I should walk in a way that attracts attention and learn manners that make men want me and women grow green with envy. I burst into laughter and secretly wonder what possessed him to say such a thing, but I wasn’t going to continue with the conversation so I rudely interrupt his thought process and tell him that he should start a finishing school for woman. His tips will either cause catastrophe or anorexia. 

A very productive brainstorm, don’t you think?

Fashion Fumblers

Everyone makes a fashion blunder at some point in their life and that’s acceptable after all we live and learn (or is it learn and live???) but what’s it with people who make them every single day.

Breaking the fashion norms and creating a style which is suitable is a tough thing to do but there are people who have done it…then there are the ones who’ve completely missed the bus. Let me take you through a couple of my favourite examples of how people get it SOOOOOO wrong (consulted a few buddies with fashion sense before I wrote this)…

Imagine looking at a woman in her 40’s dressed up in teenage garb. What’s the first thing that comes to your mind? (unless of course you’re the woman we are talking about) First, sirens go off in your head, you see red and your mind screams “GET A LIFE!!! Not a life that subtracts 30 years of your existence. Do those people honestly think that they look good in those outfits?

Okay another one, imagine this, you’re at a concert sitting on a concrete step happily talking to friends while a group of perverts on a step higher stare at a girl’s luminous thong glaring from the step in front of you? Would you be embarrassed for her? What if she doesn’t care, would you be embarrassed for her even more than the first time?

Why do people with bad skin show others they have bad skin? Why do people with fat show it off…they simply take the whole ’show your curves’ a bit too seriously…I’m talking about the muffin tops and stretching clothes more than the stretchable limit.

Oh something else that pisses me off is when someone has a unique sense of style, someone else copies it. Don’t they understand what suits one person won’t suit another? Like for instance, kitsch is in these days but only certain people can pull it off… Or tights/ leggings or whatever you call it, people with nicely shaped legs should wear it not people who have bulging fat calves or skinny toothpick legs (so that’s out for me).

It’s easy to have fashion sense, if of course you have common sense.