…

My mind with its twists and turns,
change directions at the slightest burn.

Why do I always fall into a mess?
Why am I always hanging onto a thread?

Wishes turning into nightmares,
emotions as fickle as my hair.

I guess it’s time to put an end,
to a primal mating dance,
one that I can’t quite comprehend.

When realization hits that ignorance isn’t bliss

How does it make you feel?

I’ll tell you how it made me feel. Then maybe you’d like to share. 

It was pretty much like a jolt. An embarrassing one, like when you turn a corner and a friend of yours jumps at you, and you scream making everyone turn. Then your cheeks get all red and you yell at your friend just to save face. People tend to think it’s funny. I do too but not when it happens to me. Well that’s pretty much how I felt when I watched the Kite Runner. Have you watched it? 

Have you watched Batman? I bet you have. I went around asking my friends the two questions I have just asked you. 9 out of 10 have watched Batman and have liked it so much that they’ve watched it twice over. 1 out of that 10 watched the Kite Runner, and that happens to be me. It strange don’t you think that people are so interested in comic books than what really happens in the world. I guess people need entertainment to keep sane than watching 9 o’clock news or wait maybe it’s just that ignorance is bliss. Is it? 

I knew there was a war in Afghanistan from flicking through the papers to read the gossip columns. I also heard a few things now and then while channel surfing, never letting my fingers linger too long on the news channel. Forget Afghanistan, my country, the war ravaged Sri Lanka. I flick, because my life hasn’t been in that kind of danger, yet. So I live life with a cursory glance at what’s really happening. Terrible isn’t it?

As strange as this may sound… I want to do something about it. Oh no I can’t stop the war nor can I make the whole world listen to me. That’s the very thing I don’t want to do. I could though show more empathy. Listen to people more carefully. Forgive often. Talk to everybody. Offer to help, anytime. Stop being selfish. 

It’s tough but its better to understand humanity that stay disconnected from it.

Oh not another one…

I have to get this out. Off my chest and onto my blog. I have told countless people about it but I don’t think anyone cares because my feelings are so fickle.

Well I like this guy in my religion.

I like him because I saw a different side of him the last couple of weeks. He’s been very sweet, helpful and caring towards children and elderly people. He has far more patience than I do. He’s also very sincere and tells you exactly what he thinks instead of trying to make impressions. I used to think he was irresponsible but I was proved wrong. People respect him. Plus we share the same interests, similar music tastes and laugh at the same stupid jokes. He’s also been through a couple of experiences like me before he decided to change his path in life so I guess that counts. I do want to get to know him better but the question is, does he like me?

Oh I don’t know! He’s ignoring me since of late and that makes me sad. He has also not exactly displayed any signs of a guy having a crush on me would normally display.

Patience… I guess should be cultivated?

So here goes…

The strange and wonderful things are happening all over again. I feel nauseous and happy all at the same time. These strange and wonderful feelings are also gut wrenching because as I’ve written before the guy that turns my insides upside down has a girlfriend. So I should stop obsessing about him and hoping that something happens to his girlfriend.

Life’s a bitch!

So I’ve decided I’m going to bury my feelings behind the washing machine, it’s a great place to hide stuff. What goes behind, never comes back. A secret place like Narnia. Anyway this post all about putting an end to my tugging heartstrings. Before I rest my case on this matter (yes my darling friends your ears will finally be at peace) I need to say that this has been the longest crush I’ve had. I still remember the first time I developed a crush on him. I was 14 going on 15. I was shy and awkward around him, still am. Every time a girl approached him I would immediately start hyperventilating. Well there’s no use reminiscing, it’s time to let go.

So here I am
Letting go

On the other matter… the matter about the guy whom I didn’t have feelings for, well I told him that I simply couldn’t go on hoping that in time I would have feelings for him so the best thing is to just forget about it..
He thankfully was all right with it and didn’t put up a fuss even though I knew he wanted to say things to make me change my mind. So that’s over with though we promised to remain friends. I would hate it if he stopped being my friend.

So I guess I’m going back to my old boring life and I promise no more ramblings about my love life for a while.

So I walked under a bus
I got hit by a train
Keep falling in love
Which is kinda the same
I’ve sunk out at sea
Crashed my car, gone insane
And it felt so good
I want to do it again

- Lyrics from the song Buses and Trains. 

This chorus probably best describes my emotions right now. 

Why do people fear regret?

Even before anything happens.

Have your ever battled the heart and mind at the same time? Our heart much like the Nike tagline says “just do it” and our mind desperately finds ways and means to make us stop committing that strange odd crime called love.

Our mind is an amazing tool it helps us remember every detail of the crime,from that fleeting moment when you see ‘that person’. Then it collects all the other mundane and sometimes interesting information about ‘that person’ and files it until we need to use it later for some abstract compliment or stupid remark. 

Our hearts are completely different. It’s almost like a hopeless romantic thudding faster every time we see ‘that person’.

Our heart and mind complement each other until suddenly they start to disagree, much like marriage, everything’s rosy until someone dares to differ. Then quickly our mind starts pulling out other information against our will and starts pounding every nerve in our brain to make sure that ‘that person’ isn’t the one for us. Meanwhile our heart starts hammering with the cooperation of our gut who much like heart feels that we’re doing the right thing, so they scream in unison “go ahead, just jump right in”.

Confusion. Regret.

and you’ve not even committed the crime but just outlined the strategy. I’ve been doing this a lot lately and I know I’m missing a lot of opportunities but I’m not the only one. A couple of like-minded friends are also doing the same thing (knowing that makes me feel a whole lot better) Sometimes I think I’m doing the right thing but feel like I’m doing the wrong thing.

Confusion and regret. Two things I seemed destined to deal with.

X’s remembered

Most people, including most of my friends complain about how badly they’ve been treated by guys in relationships. I’ve had two serious relationships. They’ve been wonderful and treated me with respect and kindness and they’ve truly have made an impact in my life. This post is dedicated to two wonderful guys.

My first relationship was with Gypsy Boy. He was the guy next door, childhood sweetheart all that and more. I’ve known him since I was 8 and he’s been there for me weathering everything that was thrown at us. Sometimes when I look back at the past, I feel like I’m greatly indebted to him because most of what he had to go through was because of me, all in an attempt to keep me happy. For that I will be eternally grateful.

Two weeks ago he called me up to say that his family whom I’m extremely close to is going back to India and he was going to America for higher studies.

He doesn’t want to leave but he has to.
I don’t want him to leave but I know he has to.

It’s going to be difficult to say goodbye but I must be strong, for him.

GB I want you to know that I adore you and think you’re the greatest friend ever.

Grinreaper was my second boyfriend. He was the guy who helped me out when I first started work. I fell for the charm and was quite intrigued by his mysterious ways. He treated me well, yes we did have our occasional fights but he didn’t hurt me or break my heart. The impact he has had on my life? He was the one who made me fall in love with writing, I did love it before but he pushed me so hard until I finally accepted that I wanted to be a writer for the rest of my life.

A month ago he got married. He never told me even though I see him everyday. Maybe he thinks it’s a good idea not to mention it probably not knowing how I will react. I’m not upset that he’s married someone else other than me. If he’s happy that’s all that matters but I still wish he would tell me though. Grinreaper if you ever read this, I want to thank you for believing in me and wish you a happy marriage. I mean it, there’s no voodoo in those words.

Wow! It’s almost like a post valentine post.

21

I waited all my life to turn 21. Now that I’ve turned 21, I feel strange, alienated, unhappy.

Wrong Diagnosis

So it wasn’t a crush really just an infatuation, which thankfully is over. So time to get some sleep.

Every time I see/speak to him

My heart beats faster…
Butterflies swirl in my stomach …
I start to stutter and nervously giggle…

Whenever he’s not around

I toss and turn every night …
At the sight of food, I lose my appetite …
I can’t do any work without his face flashing across my mind…

Urgh!!! I feel a crush coming on…