Lyeff

I’ve got a new toy and no it’s not a new boy. It’s a LAPTOP!!

I love my shiny new laptop even though I don’t know a single thing about it (reading ‘ laptops for dummies’). Now that I have this wonderful piece of absolute awesomeness I can fill all those fresh, blank, inspiring word documents. Such fun.  Must also start figuring out how Photoshop and Illustrator work so I can use that instead of drawing on random scraps of paper, which I end up losing and mum ends up finding.

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My Art Director leaves in an hour. I don’t know how I’m going to like my newfound boredom, but what else can I do!

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We (The parents, sister, Shadow and I) are house hunting and this would be our 1,0000000000th house. I’m too depressed to blog about it.

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Work is also depressing. While cleaning up my work that’s saved under an Apple (like the ones you eat) icon I realized that none of my interesting work’s gotten through and the ones that have are just utter rubbish. That’s scary, terribly upsetting and embarrassing. All I want to do is hide!

Under the weather

Cloudy

That’s pretty much how the weather is at work. N says goodbye to us in 3 months and I thought I would be able to deal with the fact that very soon she won’t be my Art Director, but things are proving to be tough. It’s a mixed bag of emotions and I keep thinking it’s like all other goodbyes, but this isn’t just any goodbye. We’ve become more than just friends, she’s like family and not seeing her everyday is going to make my life particularly difficult here. But I guess I can face it as long as Pokey is around, he’s still my punching bag and counselor.

Drizzle

The past few weeks a friend of mine has being bugging me about her pretty messed up life and sometimes the psychoticness gets to me. I have my issues to deal with, you have yours and there’s a limit to the idiotism, so I wish she would stop with the drama. If she doesn’t I’ll just have to start on my soap opera!

Fog

Life is cruel and we all agree on that one, but getting thrown into the deep end without knowing how to swim is just plain scary. But I guess then the attitude should be to swim instead of sink and automatically your arms and legs would start to relax and clear the water. I’ve been in this situation many times before and even though most often I feel scared, I tend to float and sometimes swim. But when it happens to someone close to me, parts of it seem to affect me in different ways. It’s stressful, because you’re just there and the power to grab onto a lifebuoy is in someone else’s hands. If it was in mine then I’d deal with it better, just waiting for the other person to reach out is terribly difficult.

Downpour

The assembly. Sometimes I love it; most times I hate it because it makes me think. This time I was happy to see Akki but sad at the same time because of her story. I keep hoping I wouldn’t make a mess of my life, so far I haven’t, so hopefully I won’t in the future.

While I was there amongst people I’ve grown up with, I see the joy in their faces, the ones who really made religion their own and I sometimes wish I was like them. I really did for a moment consider joining up on the program to help out with the volunteer work but because of the guilt, I held back.

Hurricane

There’s a storm a brewing with the mum, the brother and the sister in law, all competing for the baby’s attention. I’m disappointed with my brother. I really am. I don’t even want to write about this, because the feeling is still raw and it’s gnawing in my mind.

So as you can see the weather hasn’t been favourable towards me but what else is left than to brave the storm.

I needed a break from work…

What is the connection between you and the last person that called?
My ‘opposite’ other, meaning boyfriend.

Do you ever turn off your cell phone?
Yes, when I want to sleep.

What happened at 10am today?
I was busy talking crap.

When did you last cry?
Day before yesterday.

What is your favourite thing to eat with peanut butter?
Yuck, I hate Peanut Butter.

What do you want in your life right now?
A certain someone abolished…

Do you carry an umbrella out when it rains, or just put on your hood?
No. I love walking and running in the rain.

What is your favourite thing to put on your bed?
Pillows

What bottoms are you wearing now?
Jeans

What does the nicest text in your inbox say?
That’s a toughie; I have loads of nice texts in my inbox so I’m not saying…

Do you tend to make relationships complicated?
Yes, all the time

Are you wearing something you borrowed from someone?
Nope

What was the last movie you last caught?
Calendar Girls (Nice movie)

What are you proud of?
Loads of things but the most recent one being Pokey and my victory at the competition.

What does the oldest text message in your inbox say?
‘You’re the smartest 19 year old I know’

What is the last song you sang out loud?
Breakfast at Tiffany’s

Do you have any nicknames? What are they?
If I tell you, then I’d have to kill you

What was the last received text message? Who was it from?
Pisu Mojado! Sent by the boyfriend’s best friend.

What time did you go to bed last night?
Sometime after 11…

Are you currently happy?
Yes, Pisu Mojado made me laugh again

Who gives you the best advice?
Depends on the problem

Do you eat whipped cream straight away from the can?
I’d like to if I could squirt into my mouth without getting it all over.

Who did you talk on the phone last night?
I didn’t speak to anyone last night.

Is anything bugging you right now?
Yes my work

What’s bugging you right now?
You obviously don’t listen very well, MY WORK!!!

Do you wear toe socks?
I’ve heard of socks but not toe socks…

Who was the last person you last had a missed call from?
Boyfriend

Have you ever had your heart broken?
No

What annoys you most in a person?
Er…I guess it depends on the person

Do you have a crush on anyone?
No

Have you ever done cocaine?
No

What is the colour of your room?
Light green and a deep shade of Magenta (Well it doesn’t clash, how about that)

Would you kill the person you hate for a billion dollars?
Nuh, not worth it.

Do you believe in the saying “Talk is cheap” ?
Yeah

Who was the last person who lay in your bed?
My sister and I need to give her a yelling for that…

Who was the last person who hugged you?
Mellow

Did anyone see the last person you kissed?
Hope not

Do you have a life?
Hope so…

Have you ever thought someone died, when they really didn’t?
Yes

Who was the last person you saw in your dreams?
Can’t remember

Last time you smiled?
A while ago when I remembered Ashan’s fall

Have you changed this year?
Yes, I’ve grown a year older

What are you listening to right now?
A door creaking

Do you walk with your eyes opened or closed?
Closed, because I ran into a door and also slipped and fell on the steps

Have you ever played an instrument?
Yes, the piano, guitar and drum and they all sounded awful so I gave up

What is the worst idea you had this week?
I’m always full of good ideas

Are you happy with your love life?
Yes, why aren’t you?

What song describes your love life?
Breakfast at Tiffany’s

Who always makes you laugh?
Cookie Monster (the real one)

Do you speak another language other than English?
Yes Sinhala and Tamil

Are you blonde?
Sometimes and I’m not proud of it.

What’s your full name?
Refer No 17

What are you doing tomorrow?
Why are you going to ask me out? Well nothing much, might watch Changeling.

What do you think you are like?
A glass half empty, don’t ask stupid questions!!

Who do you chose to die with?
Yippy, I get to take someone with me??

Where have you been today?
At work

What do you play often?
My favourite song, I’m yours by Mr. Mraz

Who are you missing right now?
The Boyfriend

Name three colours you like
All funky colours

What emotion do you like to show?
Drama, I like to think it’s an emotion

What is life to you?
Confusing

If you have something troubling you, what would you do?
Talk to the wall

Who do you admire most?
Mumsie

Why are you doing this shit?
Because I have some of the best answers

What you do when you’re moody?
Punch the living daylights of someone who comes along to talk to me

At which age do you wish to get married?
25

Do you think you have enough confidence?
Hell yeah!!

Who is the person you trust most?
My family

Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after rain?
Not too into rainbows, if it’s there I’ll look.

What is your goal for this year?
Fulfill all my other goals

Do you believe in eternal love?
Well someone’s gotta die sometime…actually I’m not too sure about that.

What feeling do you love the most?
The feeling of accomplishment

Do you really think it’s global warming now?
Heck yeah!!

What is the feeling you hate most?
The feeling of disappointment

Do you cherish every single friend of yours?
Absolutely yes

Do you believe in God?
Yes

Who cares for you most?
My mum

What will you bring when you fight?
Somebody else to do the fighting…

What have you regretted doing your whole life?
A few foolish things…

What if your steady two-timed you?
Have you ever heard of the word ‘revenge’? Oh and you thought I was a nice person…

Someone you can’t live without?
Gypsy Boy

When realization hits that ignorance isn’t bliss

How does it make you feel?

I’ll tell you how it made me feel. Then maybe you’d like to share. 

It was pretty much like a jolt. An embarrassing one, like when you turn a corner and a friend of yours jumps at you, and you scream making everyone turn. Then your cheeks get all red and you yell at your friend just to save face. People tend to think it’s funny. I do too but not when it happens to me. Well that’s pretty much how I felt when I watched the Kite Runner. Have you watched it? 

Have you watched Batman? I bet you have. I went around asking my friends the two questions I have just asked you. 9 out of 10 have watched Batman and have liked it so much that they’ve watched it twice over. 1 out of that 10 watched the Kite Runner, and that happens to be me. It strange don’t you think that people are so interested in comic books than what really happens in the world. I guess people need entertainment to keep sane than watching 9 o’clock news or wait maybe it’s just that ignorance is bliss. Is it? 

I knew there was a war in Afghanistan from flicking through the papers to read the gossip columns. I also heard a few things now and then while channel surfing, never letting my fingers linger too long on the news channel. Forget Afghanistan, my country, the war ravaged Sri Lanka. I flick, because my life hasn’t been in that kind of danger, yet. So I live life with a cursory glance at what’s really happening. Terrible isn’t it?

As strange as this may sound… I want to do something about it. Oh no I can’t stop the war nor can I make the whole world listen to me. That’s the very thing I don’t want to do. I could though show more empathy. Listen to people more carefully. Forgive often. Talk to everybody. Offer to help, anytime. Stop being selfish. 

It’s tough but its better to understand humanity that stay disconnected from it.

The week moves on…

14th August

I’m drowning with work,
with life, with emotion
with unexpressed creativity.

15th August

I took ages to decide what to wear in the morning, after casting away 5 outfits that my poor mum had to iron I decided to wear something completely different. This is a sure sign I’m stressed.

That aside thought I’d jot down some of the events that took place in the past few weeks:

Noir – ­ Went during the first weekend because had a friend acting in it. Didn’t particularly like the first 3 plays, that’s probably because I don’t particularly like Shel Silverstein. His plays have abrupt endings and sometimes he takes on very swearing note. On that precise thought I might as well add that I hated the Devil and Billy Markham. Back to Noir second run I loved the last piece the Lifeboat is sinking. It was extremely hilarious.

Congregation party – ­ Thought I wasn’t going to enjoy it but I did maybe a wee bit up until the part where Voluptuous out of fright gave me bear hug. Well more like a deathly squeeze considering his size and mine. B Man was unusualy quiet then again I didn’t make an attempt to talk to him, I just wasn’t my old jolly self that night. One thing that’s bugging me though is why did Drummer Boy seem weird?

Fashion Design Workshop – ­ I’ve always wanted to Fashion Designer, like I’ve always wanted to be an Artist, like I’ve always wanted to be a Photographer and so much more. Anyway decided to attend this workshop, it was good. I had fun. It’s a curse that it cost so much to learn to be a Fashion Designer. I realized that at this moment I can’t afford it so maybe someday in my life. I want to be very pompous and say that I do think that I have a good sense of fashion, I can take a nice picture and I can draw to a certain extent. Yes Ashan I know “Please come down to earth” right?

Well that’s it from me…in the coming weeks I’m looking forward to the Convention and the Foundation Camp.

My friend evaluates me…

Cup of tea in hand. Legs perched upon a vacant chair. Pen ready to jot down any and every thought. 

My colleague Bundy is ready to have chat. I tell him that we should strictly stick to conversations about milk (the brand that we were brainstorming on). He decides otherwise and I’m drawn into the abyss of gossip and Bundy’s profound opinions on different matters. 

The first topic of discussion was infidelity. We strike common ground. We both hate people who cheat. He prattles on with a true story about his married friend who was cheating, then one day when cheating friend was recounting this story to another friend over a couple of alcoholic shots (remember: alcohol never helps when you’re cheating) his phone had mistakenly (duh obviously) dialled home. So basically his wife heard everything. Bundy sums up the story with a firm “when you cheat, you’re spouse finds out in a really horrible way”. I solemnly agree. 

Then Bundy decides to change the subject and scrutinize me, while I sit still in front of him and half-heartedly nod my head in agreement. He point blankly tells me that I have bad taste in men.

What balls!

Well I’ve dated good-looking guys but yet he feels that I don’t know what real handsomeness is all about. I strongly disagree and make sure that he knows that. Quickly he changes the topic to my ‘outer beauty’. This I wanted to hear so I propped my hands on the table and smiled encouragingly at him. He starts off saying how pretty I look now compared to what I looked like almost 3 1/2 years ago, I apparently have gotten more sophisticated in my dress and grooming and moved away from sloppy looking outfits. I smile as I remember that time, seems like a million years ago. Then suddenly he retorts saying “but you know, you should act like a real woman”. My jaw drops and I go “huh?” (remember: compliment then follow it up with an insult, works wonders) He explains telling me that I should walk into a room with confidence and charisma so that every man will cast their eyes on me and only ME. Also I should walk in a way that attracts attention and learn manners that make men want me and women grow green with envy. I burst into laughter and secretly wonder what possessed him to say such a thing, but I wasn’t going to continue with the conversation so I rudely interrupt his thought process and tell him that he should start a finishing school for woman. His tips will either cause catastrophe or anorexia. 

A very productive brainstorm, don’t you think?

Why do people fear regret?

Even before anything happens.

Have your ever battled the heart and mind at the same time? Our heart much like the Nike tagline says “just do it” and our mind desperately finds ways and means to make us stop committing that strange odd crime called love.

Our mind is an amazing tool it helps us remember every detail of the crime,from that fleeting moment when you see ‘that person’. Then it collects all the other mundane and sometimes interesting information about ‘that person’ and files it until we need to use it later for some abstract compliment or stupid remark. 

Our hearts are completely different. It’s almost like a hopeless romantic thudding faster every time we see ‘that person’.

Our heart and mind complement each other until suddenly they start to disagree, much like marriage, everything’s rosy until someone dares to differ. Then quickly our mind starts pulling out other information against our will and starts pounding every nerve in our brain to make sure that ‘that person’ isn’t the one for us. Meanwhile our heart starts hammering with the cooperation of our gut who much like heart feels that we’re doing the right thing, so they scream in unison “go ahead, just jump right in”.

Confusion. Regret.

and you’ve not even committed the crime but just outlined the strategy. I’ve been doing this a lot lately and I know I’m missing a lot of opportunities but I’m not the only one. A couple of like-minded friends are also doing the same thing (knowing that makes me feel a whole lot better) Sometimes I think I’m doing the right thing but feel like I’m doing the wrong thing.

Confusion and regret. Two things I seemed destined to deal with.

My splendid years

Since I had a bit of time on my hands, decided to evaluate my past in a yearby year format…13 and 14 – They were normal years. Full of fun and frolic. I still climbedwalls and trees, chased boys up the road (not in the way I would have lovedto have chased them). Was dorky, still wore my hair in braids, still woreVictorian frocks which were usually two sizes too big but I thought theywere spectacular.15 was a very different year, I started becoming more girly. With theintroduction to Theatre I took every stride that came, started changing mywardrobe, started talking about things I didn’t know about and as a resultlearnt a lot more things that a 15 year old could have done without. I alsostarted seeing boys in a different light, started attracting older men.Strangely made a very spiritual leap. Developed a crush on a guy at church(that wasn’t the spiritual leap, but it did help because he gave me a hug).That was also the year my bro introduced me to clubbing and I justabsolutely loved it.16 by far was the best year of my life. I was getting used to the whole ideaof being a teenager and was playing the part pretty well. So I let go, had alot of fun and at the same time maintained my principles.17 was the rebellious year. I fought a lot, with the people at church, withmy family. Ditched my friends and completely dived into things I would havenot done otherwise. 17 was also the year I started dating, my first kiss anda whole lot of other things.18 was the career year. My first serious job in a big company. I wasoverjoyed, the parties, the guys, the booze… took it all in and it was ZEN.This also led to my second relationship, which had its absolutely fabulousmoments.19 was the guilty year. I felt bad for everything I’d done, didn’t want tohurt my family who’ve been there for me. I was heartbroken when myrelationship started to fall apart. My career wasn’t doing too well. Met aninteresting guy though whom I fell head over heels in love with but itwasn’t mean to be.20 was the year for change. I stopped my bad girl ways, started attendingchurch, didn’t party so much. Won a couple of Chillies, which did a lot tomy ego and proved that I could still be a worthy asset to the company. Alsomet another interesting guy but unfortunately felt like he was taking medown the wrong road so I cut him off the picture.This year is going to be extremely different from all the other years and Idon’t feel all that bad about being 21. I’m happy. My family is happy. Myfriends are happy. So what more is there to ask for?

X’s remembered

Most people, including most of my friends complain about how badly they’ve been treated by guys in relationships. I’ve had two serious relationships. They’ve been wonderful and treated me with respect and kindness and they’ve truly have made an impact in my life. This post is dedicated to two wonderful guys.

My first relationship was with Gypsy Boy. He was the guy next door, childhood sweetheart all that and more. I’ve known him since I was 8 and he’s been there for me weathering everything that was thrown at us. Sometimes when I look back at the past, I feel like I’m greatly indebted to him because most of what he had to go through was because of me, all in an attempt to keep me happy. For that I will be eternally grateful.

Two weeks ago he called me up to say that his family whom I’m extremely close to is going back to India and he was going to America for higher studies.

He doesn’t want to leave but he has to.
I don’t want him to leave but I know he has to.

It’s going to be difficult to say goodbye but I must be strong, for him.

GB I want you to know that I adore you and think you’re the greatest friend ever.

Grinreaper was my second boyfriend. He was the guy who helped me out when I first started work. I fell for the charm and was quite intrigued by his mysterious ways. He treated me well, yes we did have our occasional fights but he didn’t hurt me or break my heart. The impact he has had on my life? He was the one who made me fall in love with writing, I did love it before but he pushed me so hard until I finally accepted that I wanted to be a writer for the rest of my life.

A month ago he got married. He never told me even though I see him everyday. Maybe he thinks it’s a good idea not to mention it probably not knowing how I will react. I’m not upset that he’s married someone else other than me. If he’s happy that’s all that matters but I still wish he would tell me though. Grinreaper if you ever read this, I want to thank you for believing in me and wish you a happy marriage. I mean it, there’s no voodoo in those words.

Wow! It’s almost like a post valentine post.

Mundane questions

Life has a lot of interesting questions but instead don’t you feel like you’re showered with the silly routine ones that makes no sense.

How are you?

Everywhere I go, I’m bombarded with this question. There is nothing wrong with it. It’s just that those who pose this question don’t really care about my wellbeing, it’s more like they’re compelled to ask everybody they bump into. Besides how many people give an honest answer to that question anyway, most often than not instead of saying what they really feel, they fake a smile and then say “great’. I admit to doing that a couple of times simply because I do not want to discuss my problems with someone who’s more interested in moving onto the next person so they could smile and say “how are you?”.

When are you getting married?

I’ve been asked this question ever since I hit 18; its got worse after my brother got married. It’s scary that people think that humans were created for the sole purpose of procreation…well I guess you’re mind is kinda flummoxed now, yes you’re right we were indeed created for that purpose but things have changed, not everyone needs to produce offspring so I’ll just leave China to go forth and multiply.

Are you pregnant?

Great!!! Now that you’re safely married, people want to know when the Teletubbies would pop out. I’m not married (yet) but most of my friends are and I know what they go through because sometimes I decide to play an absolute wretch and attack them with questions they hate hearing.

You didn’t tell me you had a boyfriend?

Uh, he’s the janitor. What is it with people who assume that any man you’re seen with is your boyfriend/lover… doesn’t matter if he’s an absolute stranger who happened to ask the time, or the Mc Donald waiter who recognized me because I’m a loyal customer (Double Yuck!!) as long as they’ve seen you with a MAN. Yikes, you’re in trouble!!!

Koheda yanne? (Where are you going?)

The sleazy Sri Lankan cops love invading our privacy by asking us where we go, rudely poking their heads right through our shutters and also smelling our breath. All this makes me a tad bit sick. They also from time to time love asking you whether you’re drunk, which makes me wonder whether we should be asking them the questions.